The following is part of an ongoing experiment by Glenn Beck program heartthrob, Stu Burguiere, to begin watching Game of Thrones in its final season, without any previous context. Other than highlights shown in commercials, Stu has never seen a second of Game of Thrones, and has never read a word about its characters or plot lines.
Before embarking on this project, Stu's summary of the series was:
There is a battle over who controls the throne(s)?Lots of people watch itThere is a lot of violence and/or nudity involvedThere are dragons that fly aroundSpoiler alert: you are about to read information about Game of Thrones that would definitely be considered spoilers, if it was possible to decode what Stu was talking about.
*For pictures of the characters Stu is referencing, check out the review of episode one.
There are 7 kingdomsSomeone pushed someone out of a towerThe open animation is VERY longIt also is just animation of very cheesy looking modelsIt's like the old tales of the crypt open, except a puppet skeleton doesn't pop up at the endThe Game of Thrones font is just a normal font with 3 lines vertically through the O'sBlondie queen wants guy in beard's sister to send troops, which… she isn'tBearded guy is angry at elf's brother and non-troop-sending lady's sisterThey all used to be at war, and aren't now, but still don't like each otherMatronly woman vouches for beard guy, claims she was sexually assaulted, and that beard guy defended herThat makes his previous murder attempts okBackstreet Boy in wheel chair seems to only stare pensively at peopleFrumpy girl who liked swords with goatee guy in last episode visits dirty guy who hasn't showered and works in a weapon or coal factory or somethingIt looks really cold thereFrumpy girl can throw knives, wants weapon madeBright red tree is meeting spot for bearded guy and Backstreet Boy in wheel chairSeems unlikely a wheel chair could make it through all that snow to get to the red tree. Where are the sidewalks?Bearded guy was the person who pushed Backstreet Boy out the window— I assume this caused the wheel chair situationAngry elf and brother beard seem to think their sister was trash, but loved her anywayAngry elf has said that he wants to die at 80 while receiving sexual favors so often, his brother finishes his description of itBeard guy might be Sir JamieMatronly woman might be Lady GreerGuy who kind of looks like Ricky Gervais and Lenny from "Laverne & Shirley" visits Queen BlondieThey used to not like each other but now do, which is the relationship dynamic of every person in this show apparentlyRed Head — Lady Sansar?Red Head and Blondie might be at odds with each otherRed Head brother loves BlondieBlondie's eyebrows are remarkably dark for her hair colorBlondie is in love with John, which might be John SnowThey're in Winterfell. What falls in winter? Snow. Probably entire plot of series.Some conflict between Blondie and Red Head about a throne and the northRed Head hugging someone— I have no idea who it is, everyone looks the sameLittle kid wants to join the war and eat some soupThe "someone is here" alarm soundsRed Hair Burly Guy is happy to be home. He also has a beard.Eye patch guy is there tooWhoever is coming is coming before sun upThe army is unbeatable except for their one weak point that destroys the entire army, kind of like the Death StarAngry elf wants to fight, but he's apparently too smart"We're all going to die, but at least we go together" from red burly beard guy— doesn't sound like a positive observationCouple of people want to see the beach together The safe part of the city seems to be the crypt, which is almost never the safe partSomeone killed a "White Walker" and is proud of thisAngry elf and brother think their dad wouldn't like them to die defending WinterfellBrother of angry elf was sleeping with his sister. Which I think is also angry elf's sisterBurly red beard guy killed a king then slept with his wife when he was 10, then breastfed for a few months, currently is extremely poor at getting liquid in mouth while drinking—like the drinking problem from the guy in Airplane!Everyone seems to think they're probably going to die in a few hoursFrumpy girl gets her weaponShe asks the guy who brought the weapon a lot of invasive questions about his sexual historyThey says she wants to hook up for her first time before they dieShe looks less frumpy without clothes onSir Jamie… of Lanister?Sir Brianne of Toth(?) is going to be a lady knight, which isn't a thing usually. Good to see they're breaking some glass ceilingsFat guy gives Bryan Cranston looking guy a large swordSporty Spice gives kiss to boyfriend Persons real name is Agon Tarkarian or something— this seems significant but I don't have any idea why or what it meansThe scary opposing army is in view of castle/Winterfell. They are on horses. This is probably a lot more dramatic to people who understand itUPDATE: Here's how the discussion went on radio. Watch the video below.
Stu's totally out of context Game of Thrones Review | Episode 2youtu.be
This article originally appeared on Glenn Beck